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All couples fight. It’s completely natural, and comes with the territory of being in aΒ relationship. But when you find yourself bickering more than usual, itβs natural to wonder, βHow much fighting is too much?β and “Are we totally screwed?”
Our argument is probably about more than you think.
Long-term committedΒ relationshipsΒ are hard.
There are massive benefits to them, of course, but it’s challenging to live with someone day in, day out. You’ve got to cooperate,Β negotiate, communicate, and connect every single dayΒ (if you want toΒ keep the relationship thriving). Add kids to the mix and things get even more interesting.
It turns out, thereβs often a fight beneath the fight. And lots of couples end up arguing about the same things (Iβm far from the only person to squabble with her partner about the dishes). Relationship therapists likeΒ Darcy Sterling, Ph.D., LCSW, psychotherapistΒ Vanessa Marin, andΒ Rosara Torrisi, Ph.D., have helped plenty of couples work through their disagreements. And they constantly see common fights boil down into similar root issues that have similar solutions.
Whether youβve been in a relationship for a few years or a few months, it can be difficult to fit everything into your busy days β and sometimes your relationship takes a backseat. Maybe one person is trying to build a high-powered career and needs to put in extra hours at the office. Or maybe itβs a new-ish relationship and one of you is trying hard to avoid sacrificing your friendships.Β βWhy are you always out with your friends?β is another version of this fight Sterling often hears.
The general βspend more time with meβ request can mean a few things, Torrisi says. It could be that your partner doesnβt feel like a priority in your life, or it could be that their expectations for being in a relationship arenβt being met. For example, if your partner thought that being with you meant theyβd never have to go to family gatherings alone, and now youβre missing events because of work or plans with other people, then youβre not living up to their ideal version of a partner.
In either case, Torrisi suggests sitting down together and figuring out your expectations for time spent together. If your partner is insecure about being alone at parties or family dinners, try your best to work your schedule so you can make those events. If they donβt feel like a priority, make the time you can spend together intoΒ qualityΒ time.
βMost people donβt have endless amounts of time, especially people who are just beginning relationships and are often also trying to build a career,β Torrisi says. Maybe you truly only have a few hours every Friday to be in a relationship, but if thatβs the case you need to spend those few hours being fully present with your partner.Β Put your electronics away, plan a date night, try new things together (both in and out of the bedroom), and talk about your relationship.
Having technology at our fingertips can be both a blessing and a curse to our relationships. On the one hand, there areΒ dating appsΒ that let us connect with people we never would have met. But then, once weβre in a relationship, the phone can become a distraction, Torrisi says. βWhat happens with phones is that theyβre our primary soothing activity for anxiety and boredom,β she explains. That means that we gravitate toward our phones when thereβs an awkward pause in conversation (which tends to happen often when a relationship is young) or when weβre bored sitting at home with a long-term partner.
Zack B., 27, constantly argues with his wife about spending too much time on his phone. His head is down so often that she accuses him of being addicted to technology. Typically, he laughs her comments off without addressing them.
Yet, couples who tend to have this fight are usually fighting about intimacy more than they are about phone usage, Sterling says. They just might not recognize that. Itβs likely that Zackβs wife isnβt really concerned about how manyΒ YouTubeΒ videos he watches every day. Sheβs probably more upset that heβs stopped being as engaged with her as he was before the phone caught his attention.
The solution to this one is pretty simple: Put your phone away. βThere are so many ways we can be more mindful about our phone habits,β Marin says. βI recommend that couples try to spend at least 20 minutes of cell phone-free time per day and have dedicated phone-free date nights.β
While you canβt expect to magically spend less time with Candy Crush and more with your partner overnight, you can make it clear to them that youβre trying. That way, the argument might be softer next time, because your partner can gently remind you of what you agreed upon.
Itβs not too difficult to understand the emotion behind this argument:Β jealousy. And itβs not always about an ex. Jealousy can rear its head when one partner thinks the other is flirting with someone else and even when a partnerβs celebrity crush comes up in conversation.
Matt, 20, had this problem with his ex-girlfriend. She had what he calls βa flirty personality,β and it bothered him when he saw her interacting with other men, even though he knew her flirting was harmless.
Tina, 23, also finds herself feeling jealous a lot, often when her boyfriend talks about his love for Emma Watson, an actress who looks nothing like her. If sheβs his biggest fantasy, Tina thinks, then does that mean heβs not really attracted to her?
Insecurity is often at the root of jealousy β we get jealous because we worry that our partners arenβt invested in us anymore, or that weβre no longer βgood enoughβ to satisfy their desires. βAt its root, [jealousy is] a fear of loss: loss of a person, a situation, or of face. Until youβve eradicated these issues in yourself, remind yourself that your jealousy has far less to do with what your partner is doing and is more deeply rooted in your own issues,βΒ Sterling writesΒ on her blog. Recognizing that your jealousy is about you, not your partner, can give you the perspective you need to start dealing with the insecurities that are making you feel vulnerable.
Anyone whoβs been in a relationship long enough forΒ sexΒ to fade has probably uttered these words. But if youβre constantly upset about the amount of sex youβreΒ notΒ having, there may be a mismatch in the way you and your partner express intimacy.
Sarah, 25,Β has a much higher sex drive than her girlfriend. When the two donβt have sex as often as she likes, she admits that she eventually gets so frustrated that she gives her girlfriend the cold shoulder.
Again, the solution lies in communication and, specifically, inΒ howΒ we communicate. Usually, fights like this happen because each partner shows love in different ways, according to Gary Chapman, Ph.D.βs book βThe 5 Love Languages.β For people like Sarah, sex is more than just a way to feel good physically. HerΒ love languageΒ is physical touch, which means that kisses, caresses, and sex are how she shows her partners that she loves them and how she feels loved in return.
Sarahβs partner likely shows love in a different way (the other four love languages are: acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time). When each person values different parts of their relationship, it can cause tension. The solution: Talk to your partner and figure out what each of your love languages are. In Sarahβs case, she could tell her girlfriend that sex makes her feel loved. It might not result in the bustling sex life she wants β because no one should pressure anyone else into having sex when theyβre not in the mood. But, being honest about her feelings could help her girlfriend recognize why sex is so important. It might lead to more sexy nights or the kisses and caresses that Sarah also values.
Often, people run scared when they start fighting with their partners, Sterling says. βWe think conflict is the sign of a bad match. So instead of building those [conflict-solving] muscles and learning how to resolve it, most people jump ship.β Really, though, arguing is a normal part of every relationship, including non-romantic ones. And Sterling worries more when couples donβt fight than when they do βΒ itβs usually a sign that either or both partners donβt trust that they can get through an argument. βTheyβre not being authentically themselves,β she says. βTheyβre walking on eggshells, whether they realize it or not.βΒ Clearly though, we need to be able to express our feelings in order to resolve them.
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