“I Miss My Ex” – Things You Need to Know

“I Miss My Ex” – Things You Need to Know

It’s normal after a breakup, to sit around and say to yourself, “I miss my ex.” A breakup is an emotional experience for anyone, regardless of how good or bad your relationship was. It could’ve been the most toxic relationship or the most loving relationship, just the thought of being without that person, is enough to make you miss him or her.

When you’re thinking “I miss my ex”, it can be incredibly difficult to shake that feeling.

You may have a massive pit in your stomach or literally feel nauseous anytime you are reminded of your ex (which can feel like a hundred times a day!).

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Though it seems like you are alone in your pain, it’s important to know that it’s an incredibly common experience and with the right approach you can move forward whether you decide to get back with your ex or not.

After a breakup, the most important thing is to focus on yourself. Everyone goes through the healing process differently. Some people can quit cold turkey and others need to find closure and go through the grieving process.

One of the first things you are told that you should do is to do a complete purge of your social media accounts. Get rid of all photos and messages that the two of you shared and temporarily block your ex. This can be difficult if you have mutual friends on social media or if you are still friends with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend’s family members. According to breakup coach, Natalia Juarez, “Sometimes we need to wean people off, and it’s OK.”

Ending a relationship can be difficult if you have been too attached with the man and if you feel that you have done everything you can to make the relationship survive the different ordeals. However if you can already see that the relationship is heading nowhere and you are just hurting each other the more you force to stick to the relationship then you have to let go. It might feel as if the longing and the pain of not having your man beside you are unbearable but there will be healing and acceptance in the end

With that said, In this article, we get into everything you need to know about missing your ex and how to bounce back from a breakup.

Let’s go.

1. Reflect on the relationship

If you miss your ex, then you need to do some reflection about the relationship.

What went right? What went wrong? And most importantly, what will you do differently if you get back together?

Because you can’t repeat the same mistakes from your past.

For women, I think it’s essential to take some time to reflect on what really drives men in relationships.

Because men see the world differently to you and are motivated by different things when it comes to love.

Men have a built in desire for something “greater” that goes beyond love or sex. It’s why men who seemingly have the “perfect girlfriend” are still unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else —  or worst of all, someone else.

Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.

Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He created an excellent free video explaining the concept.

Click here to watch the video.

As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.

How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?

You don’t need to pretend to be anyone you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to dilute your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.

In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.

In his video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.

Here’s a link to the video again.

By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only supercharge his confidence but it will help you guys to get back together – for good.

2. Work on growing and evolving yourself

The irony is that if you want to truly make your ex jealous, you have to not focus on them at all.

So what do you focus on?

Yourself.

When you’re experiencing a traumatic or life-changing event, it’s always an opportunity to learn more about who you are as a person. Instead of focusing on your ex, turn your attention inward to ask yourself questions like:

  • What did I enjoy doing before I met my ex?
  • Was there anything I loved doing that I didn’t do a lot when I was with my ex?
  • What did I love doing as a kid that I could do more of now?
  • What would make me feel happier now?

Here’s why growing yourself works:

When you start to reflect on what makes you happy as a person and do more of those activities, you will naturally begin to shake your grief in a healthy and positive way.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t get back on the dating scene or meet new people, but the mindset from which you do it is completely different. You’re operating from a place of curiosity and joy instead of jealousy. This will make you much happier in the long run no matter how things unfold.

As an added bonus, people are always attracted to other people who are living their best lives. So whether you meet someone new in the process or want to get back with your ex at some point, you’ll be more attractive to potential partners as well.

3. Thinking of your ex as “the one”

“My ex is The One” is another thought many of us have probably experienced at one time or another. We live in a culture that hypes up the idea of the “The One” and especially through the movies and shows that we watch.

Think back to the Disney movies you saw as a kid – there was always just one perfect match for the main character. Cinderella and Prince Charming. Rapunzel and Flynn. Mulan and Shange.

We’ve been trained to believe there is “The One” from a young age and that’s what will bring us happiness or our own happily ever after.

Here’s why focusing on “The One” doesn’t work.

The irony here is that when we are dependent on someone else to make us happy, we will never actually be totally happy in any relationship.

In fact, Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California says the more we project our own desire for happiness on to our partners, the more likely the relationship is to fail in the long-term.

Yikes.

4. Give them space

Always give your ex some space. This is absolutely essential.

Because by giving your ex space, you’re giving them time to reflect on the good things about the relationship and ultimately to miss you.

You may think that your ex is just going to move on once they have some space. This is a risk you have to be comfortable taking.

I know giving your ex space seems hard and counter intuitive, but leaving them alone is one of the best ways of actually getting them back into your life.

However, you have to do it in a very specific way. You don’t want to simply cut off all communication. You have to talk to your ex’s subconscious and make it seem like you really and truly don’t want to talk to them right now.

Pro tip:

Send this “No Communication” text

— “You’re right. It’s best that we don’t talk right now, but I would like to be friends eventually.” —

This one needs to be sent to your ex at the right time for it to be truly effective.

But why I like it is that you’re communicating with them that you don’t really need to talk anymore. In essence, you’re saying that you don’t really need them to play any role in your life anymore.

Why is this so good?

You induce a “fear of loss” in your ex which will trigger their attraction for you again.

I learned about this text from Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of men and women get their exes back. He goes by the moniker of “the relationship geek”, for good reason.

In this free video, he’ll show you exactly what you can do to make your ex want you again.

No matter what your situation is — or how badly you’ve messed up since the two of you broke up — he’ll give you a number of useful tips that you can apply immediately.

Here’s a link to his free video again. If you really want your ex back, this video will help you do this.

5. Become emotionally independent from your ex

So what is the key to maintaining a long-term relationship in the future with a new partner or even your ex?

Learning about what makes you happy and confident independently from your partner.

As Alyssa “Lia” Mancao, a licensed clinical social worker and certified cognitive therapist, shares on mindbodygreen:

“[Emotion dependence] is very common: It’s the idea that our happiness depends on something outside of us. This is known as emotional dependence; it is when our feelings and self-worth are based on external factors such as how another person feels about us. But if we want to find a sense of peace within ourselves and our relationships, then it is important to shift from emotional dependence and into emotional independence.”

This is why emotional independence works.

By focusing on becoming happy whether your ex returns or doesn’t return to your life, you’ll be setting yourself up for long-term happiness either way.

Lasting happiness is something you cultivate from within and not something that you find outside of you. So developing emotional independence will serve you not only now, but for the rest of your life.

6. Distract yourself

Here’s the thing – you definitely want to stay busy after a breakup. It’s a great idea to be getting out doing things you enjoy and spending time with people who love you, make you laugh, and feel good.

It’s also a great idea to start meeting and dating new people to remind yourself that you are attractive and desirable. These are all great things to do!

But, as we discussed, it’s best to use this time to discover your own sources of inner happiness and joy. So how you choose to distract yourself is incredibly important.

Why distraction for distraction’s sake doesn’t work:

Many times people fall into the trap of distracting themselves with things that don’t actually make them feel better like binge-watching Netflix and YouTube, staying out too late, or eating and drinking too much.

Use this time instead to stay busy with positive things like taking a new class, reconnecting with an old friend, volunteering, or doing something special for a loved one “just because.”

7. Set purposeful goals so that you miss your ex less

But it’s even better if you can get very purposeful about how you distract yourself. A breakup is a wonderful opportunity to assess your entire life and what may or may be out of balance.

Instead of staying busy just to stay busy, make a plan for how you can work on the key areas of your life, and track your progress.

  • How are your fitness and your health? Could you be exercising more or eating healthier?
  • How is your career going? Are you doing something that you love and brings you fulfillment?
  • How are your finances? Would this be a good time to learn more financial literacy skills and work on creating more financial security in your life?
  • How are your beliefs about life and your true purpose? Could you use this time to explore some of the bigger questions of life?
  • How are your other key relationships? Do you have any other relationships that need attending to and improvement?
  • How is your self-care? Are you doing things every day that add to your energy, passion, joy, and happiness?

If anyone of these areas feels out of whack, now is a great time to explore and work on that topic.

Make a plan that will help you not miss your ex by instead focusing on things that are helping you to improve your entire life.

Why setting purposeful goals works:

It’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture of our lives when we are distracting ourselves with unfilling activities. Setting purposeful goals about areas we want to improve in our lives helps us to focus on ourselves.

The action – or, the distraction – we take becomes about adding something meaningful to our lives rather than simply running away or escaping. It’s a small mindset shift that makes a huge difference.

The more you focus on “distracting” yourself with things that improve your overall happiness, the less and less you will inevitably miss your ex.

Want to win back your ex? 8 to 14 has you covered

Some people will find that after they have focused on cultivating their own happiness, they still miss their ex and want to get back together.

The great news is that if you’ve been using this time to focus on you, your desire to get back together is likely coming from a place of clarity. And that means the chances of your chances of the relationship working out in the long-term are much greater.

So what do you do?

8. Make your ex jealous

Who hasn’t experienced this thought after a breakup?

It’s an incredibly common reaction because our mind automatically jumps to the logic “If I can only make him/her jealous, then he/she will miss me, too.”

The thing is, sparking jealousy in your ex can actually be pretty effective if you do it right.

Probably the best way is to spend time with other people.You don’t have to sleep with them or even date them. Just spend time with others and let your ex see that.

Jealousy is a powerful thing; use it to your advantage. But use it wisely.

If you’re feeling a little adventurous, try this “Jealousy” text

— “I think it was a great idea that we decided to start dating other people. I do just want to be friends right now!” —

By saying this, you’re telling your ex that you’re actually dating other people right now… which will in turn make them jealous.

This is a good thing.

You’re communicating to your ex that you’re actually wanted by others. We’re all attracted to people wanted by others. By saying that you’re dating around already, you’re pretty much saying that “it’s your loss!”

After sending this text they’ll begin to feel attraction for you again because of the “fear of loss” I mentioned earlier.

This was another text I learned from Brad Browning, hands down my favorite “get your ex back” online coach.

Here’s a link to his free online video. He gives a number of useful tips that you can apply immediately to get your ex back.

9. Show your ex how you have changed and evolved

First thing’s first – you need to show your ex that you’ve grown and changed since the breakup.

Whether you broke up with your ex or they broke up with you, you need to show him or her that you are not the same person as when you parted ways.

Because you’ve done the work, they will be able to see this change in you and are much more likely to take your overtures seriously.

10. Fight for your ex

Your ex may need some convincing that you’ve sincerely changed, so make sure to show them through meaningful and purposeful actions.

This may be through making right a wrong that you previously committed. This may be a gesture that shows that you’re really hearing and listening to their concerns. Give it your best shot, but know at the end of the day, it is ultimately their decision. If they are feeling pressured to get back together with you, then they’ll likely resist reuniting more.

So metaphorically fight for them by being purposeful in your actions, but don’t overdo it to the point that your gestures feel calculated or insincere.

At this point and because of all the personal growth work you’ve done, you should have the peace of mind of knowing that you will be okay – and find happiness again – whether or not they decide they want to get back together, too.

11. Process unresolved emotions

Often thoughts and memories come into our consciousness because we haven’t fully processed and worked through them. So it’s important to take time to process unresolved emotions from your relationship with your ex.

Journal, talk through feelings with a trusted friend, or discuss such things with a therapist. Then you can make sure you aren’t bringing any old emotions into your new relationship.

12. Resist the urge to compare others to your ex

It’s natural to want to compare others to your ex, but when you do this, you miss the opportunity to get to know new people in your life more fully.

Approach dating and meeting new people with curiosity. Look at discovering the uniqueness of each new person as an adventure to embark on.

It can be tempting to put your ex on a pedestal, but when you take him or her off the pedestal, you make it much easier to believe that 1) you are worthy of falling in love again, and 2) that other people are worthy of your love, too.

13. Date yourself for a while

Who says that you need to date someone else to have fun? Having a weekly date with yourself can be an amazing way to discover what you most enjoy doing while building your own confidence.

Take yourself out to a movie. Visit a favorite museum. Grab a cup of coffee or glass of wine with your favorite book. Go for an epic hike or mountain bike ride. Peruse your favorite store just because.

As you shift your focus to doing things you love and spending time on you, you may just discover that you can have just as much fun on your own as you did with your ex – if not more!

14. Track your progress

A great motivator anytime you are learning a new skill or developing a new habit is to track your progress.

Keep a journal or jot down a few notes each day about how you’re feeling and what you are doing. Though you may still find yourself thinking about and missing your ex, it will be easier to spot how far you’ve come if you have a record of your progress.

With a record to refer to, the thought “I miss my ex so much” can quickly turn into “Wow! I miss my ex so much less now than I did a month ago.” And that’s a huge win and motivator to keep moving forward.

Keep moving forward

As we’ve discussed – and no matter whether you want to get back with your ex or not – the key is to keep moving forward and growing who you are as a person.

The feeling of missing your ex is completely normal, and it’s also an opportunity to do a deeper dive into what truly makes you happy on your terms.

Whether you decide to return to your ex or not, you will be taking your next steps as the most whole and happiest version of you, which is exactly the place you want to start your next chapter from – whatever great adventure it may be.

Conclusion

There are many reasons that we go through breakups in our lives. Whether it is for 2 days, 2 months, 2 years, or forever, the important thing is bouncing back from a breakup. Although it can be a painful time, it is also the best time for you to discover who you are and what you want. If it were meant to be, it will happen. If it wasn’t meant to be, remember that only time can mend a broken heart.

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