Often in the quest towards marriage and finding “the one,” something happens. It’s easy to overlook things that may not seem that big of a deal while dating, but these things could be destructive patterns once married. But love doesn’t have to be blind. There’s no reason to settle for unhealthy or harmful relationships, simply to pursue being married.
What type of woman should a Christian man look for? What are the qualities of a woman who will struggle to be a loving wife in a Christian marriage? What are some red flags a Christian man should look for as he dates and pursues marriage?
We all have sin issues that we deal with on a daily basis. We’ve all made mistakes that we often wish we could do-over. We all need the grace and freedom that only Christ Himself can offer. But our marriages are healthier when we recognize red flags in our dating relationships, instead of choosing not to see problems at all.
If we wanted to list the red flags to avoid in Christian dating, our list would be never ending. Here are just 15 types of women Christian guys should avoid.
1. Avoid the Woman Who Wants to Be Your Close Friend Even Though She Knows You Actually Really Like Her
I recently watched a really interesting YouTube video that interviewed men and women while asking them the question, “Can guys and girls just be friends?” What was so interesting was that most of the men said “no” that there will always be some sort of feelings present for something more than friendship. The women, however, said “yes” that guys and girls can be friends.
The interviewer then asked the women a follow up question and asked them if they had any guys who were just friends. All of the women being interviewed said “yes.” Lastly, the interviewer then asked the women, “Do you think your guy friend likes you as more than a friend?” All the women said “yes” and then they had an embarrassed look on their face, showing that they realized they were basically contradicting themselves.
Now, I know this little video isn’t proof that guys and girls can never be friends. I do think, however, that it is a common thing for women to want a friendship with a guy even though she knows the guy wants something more than a friendship. She is often willing to play dumb and pretend like she doesn’t know that he obviously really likes her.
There’s nothing wrong with this if she isn’t sure if she likes him and just wants to feel it out in friendship first. But when a woman just wants to string a guy along in friendship even though she knows he likes her but she has no intentions of dating, this is the type of woman a Christian guy should avoid.
All he will accomplish by orbiting around her will be causing confusion for himself. He will waste his time pursuing a girl in friendship because he thinks he might get to date her one day. If you really have a chance, go for it. But you could waste months or even years of emotional energy playing these games if you are not honest with yourself as a man.
No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.” (Psalm 101:7)
Avoid the woman who wants to be close friends even though she obviously knows you like her.
2. The Unbeliever
Be careful not to settle for less than what God would want for the spiritual health and care of your marriage. Marriage can be tough enough at times, add to that the pressure of opposing spiritual views, and you may be in big trouble when the normal stressors of life occur. If you hold vastly different beliefs now, don’t falsely assume you’ll get her to “turn around,” or change her ways later. It may happen, but it may not.
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Cor. 6:14
3. Avoid the Woman Who Flirts With Everyone
I don’t think all types of flirting is sin. However, being flirtatious with everyone you meet is not a good sign. As a man, you will be susceptible to a woman who shows interest in you and is making you feel like she desires you. God wired men to be attracted to women. Attraction itself is not sinful. You should be attracted to the woman God has for you. However, if a woman is trying to get every guy she meets to be attracted to her through her flirtatious demeanor, then you should avoid her.
In Proverbs 7 we are warned to avoid the adulteress woman. The woman described there sounds very similar to a woman who flirts with every guy she meets, “She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home; now in the street, now in the market, and at every corner she lies in wait” (Proverbs 7:11-12).
A woman who likes to be liked by every man is dangerous. Don’t let her fool you. Avoid her. Even if you like the games she is playing with you, just know she is playing those same games with everyone else too.
4. The Abuser
Many times “abusers” are assumed to be men, but women struggle with this same trap too, and the man in her life may feel like it’s difficult to talk about the problem or find help. Men can often become the invisible victims of relationship abuse and find themselves dealing with deep levels of shame, guilt, and inadequacy.
Ps. 11:5 says, “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence, he hates.” This verse reminds us of how God feels about the heart which instigates violence. No one deserves to be abused. Ever. Move quickly away from the one who brings you physical, verbal, or deep emotional harm. You are not their saving grace. That is God’s work. Marriage must be built on deep love and respect, and abuse of any type has no place there.
5. Avoid the Woman Who Only Likes You When You Start Moving On
Another common practice by the woman who just likes to be liked is only showing interest in a guy once he finally starts moving on from her. She doesn’t actually like him, but since she senses that he is starting to not like her, this causes her to give him some attention so he will keep having feelings for her.
If woman only likes you because she is jealous of a new relationship you are having, she doesn’t actually like. She might feel like the does, but in reality her motives for giving you attention all of a sudden are completely self-centered.
If you make the mistake of starting to like her again, once she senses this she will again leave you hanging and you will be right back in no-man’s-land.
Avoid the woman who only likes you once you start to show her less attention.
6. The Controller, Manipulator
This person’s subtle, dangerous behavior can indicate big trouble ahead. What might be disguised as “I just care about you,” can really be a need for constant control or a heart of jealousy. She may dominate and strive to make decisions for you, especially in regards to whom you spend your time with. She might check up on you frequently, keep close tabs, or falsely accuse you of cheating on her. The one driven by control needs will have continual issues with whether she can “trust you.” Often, under her grasp, you may start to feel like you can hardly breathe. It’s suffocating. It’s supposed to be, that’s how you’re held tightly.
James 3:16 says, “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.” And that is no place to start a marriage.
7. Avoid the Woman Who Is Always in Crisis and Finds the Drama
Sin is when we use a good thing in a bad way. One woman who you will want to avoid is the woman who satisfies her desire for connection in a sinful way through gossip and drama. In 1 Timothy 5 Paul is giving instructions about women to help them in their younger years from straying away from God. When a younger woman does not honor God in her life, Paul states, “Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not” (1 Timothy 5:13).
If you are a man who tries to avoid drama and unnecessary crisis, you will want to avoid these type of women who have a nose for conflict. They are the type of woman who always complains with, “Why does this always happen to me?” Well, drama and turmoil often happen to the same people over and over again because those same people keep trying to find it, “Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears” (Proverbs 27:17).
8. The Angry, Contentious Woman
If your partner can’t control her temper before you’re married, she most certainly won’t after you’re married. In most cases, her behavior will worsen. No matter what our personality type, it still doesn’t give us room to plow over anyone in our pathway with cruel words and rants. Take time to see how she responds in different scenarios, especially when under pressure.
Proverbs 25:24, “It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” This is more than, “I’m just having a bad day.” An angry, quarrelsome disposition has a pattern of negativity, harsh words, and flaring tempers. The key is – does she realize it’s an area of weakness that she desires for God to change? If the answer is “no,” steer clear.
9. Avoid the Woman Who Constantly Fears Being Betrayed No Matter How Faithful You Are
There are many other red flags a Christian man should look for while pursuing marriage. But one of the most challenging situations is when you find a girl you really like but she just cannot stop doubting your faithfulness. Usually this occurs when she has been betrayed in her past.
While many times the faithfulness of a man can be used by God to be a part of the healing process for a woman who had been betrayed in the past, there are situations where no matter how hard a man tries the woman is just not able to function normally in a healthy relationship.
If she refuses to trust you, if she constantly accuses you of cheating, if she starts imagining that you are lusting after every woman who walks by, if she refuses to work on this issue in her heart and she just wants you to make her feel secure – there’s really nothing you can do.
This type of woman needs healing from Jesus before she will be ready to trust you in a relationship. If you try to be with her before she works on the wounds of betrayal in her heart, the odds will certainly be against you.
Of course there are levels to our wounds. None of us are perfectly healed people. So if a woman struggles with feeling betrayed but she knows she needs to work on this and is willing to get help, that’s a different story. But if she believes her feelings of betrayal are rooted in your lack of faithfulness and she cannot see that her own wounded heart is manifesting these fears, then this is not the type of woman who is ready for a Christian relationship.
10. The Seducer
Behaviors established before marriage are not going to magically go away once you say, “I do.” Sexual sin can be a deep trap of the enemy and once ensnared in these destructive patterns, they are difficult to break. Yet the pain or mistakes of the past should hold no control over our present and future. God redeems, sets free, and desires to make us new.
Make the choice together to live by His standards in your relationship. The lies of the world say that sex before marriage is normal, no big deal. Yet it’s a huge deal. Don’t fall for the enemy’s lie. The heart of Christ seeks the best for the one they love, desiring to build up, protect, and encourage healthy, safe patterns.
In the story of Joseph in Genesis 39, we see Potiphar’s wife pursuing him with sexual advances day after day. It was relentless. But he did not fall. The Bible says, “he fled.” Wise man.
11. The Deceiver, Liar
Every marriage must be built on trust. Without this as a firm foundation, you’re in for trouble from the beginning. So what about those “little white lies” you started noticing along the way? In reality, there’s no such thing as little white lies. Any lie is meant to hide, deceive, or manipulate truth. There is no room for dishonesty in a healthy, loving relationship. It’s a dangerous trap and you will always be left wondering what she’s hiding.
In Judges 16, we read the story of Delilah, who plotted and tricked the strong man Samson, ultimately deceiving him. He was foolishly lured by her entices and fell into deep destruction because of it. Left to our own thoughts, we, like Samson, may miss the signal that there’s trouble ahead.
12. The Addict
This person needs freedom that can only come by admitting there’s a problem, seeking professional help and leaning on the strength that God can bring. Addiction to alcohol, drugs, pornography, or destructive habits will lead to deep troubles ahead. And though your relationship may seem to challenge her in the right direction, don’t be fooled that she’ll so quickly “give it all up for you,” without the aid and accountability of professional help.
You are not the one to set her free and your role is not to try to change their heart. Only God can do that. 1 Cor. 6:12 says, “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.”
13. The Narcissist, Diva
No matter how beautiful, talented, and charming she may seem, marriage is built on the word “together.” If the relationship before marriage seems to constantly be all about her, you may be in for some struggle ahead. The “Diva” generally refers to one who demands the center of attention and focus at the expense of others’ feelings. Humility, compassion, love, and respect are much more admirable characteristics than simply the externals. “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” Prov. 31:30.
14. The Gold Digger/Big Spender
Secretive spending habits? More interested in your bank account or what you can buy her, than in you? Once married, these patterns can worsen when the stressors of family life and responsibilities mount high. Money problems and financial struggles are one of the main causes of divorce. Look for the red flags and decide up front if the two of you can agree on the big issues. “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs” 1 Tim. 6:10.
15. The One Who Won’t Leave the Nest
It’s difficult to live a future of becoming one flesh when either partner is still joined too tightly to their parents. Nothing wrong with having close, healthy relationships with our parents throughout life, until you allow it to consume your decision making or control your marriage. Parents are meant to offer protection to children, even adult children. But upon marriage, the spouse should be given that primary place of leadership and care, under God’s authority. Talk about healthy boundaries before you marry, don’t dismiss it as “no big deal.” You may find out later how big a deal it was. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24
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